Creating a New Chapter
During the past 8 months, I have written blogs about the many major changes in my life, ranging from falling in love during the pandemic after the age of 65, selling everything and moving to an island in the Caribbean. Needless to say, lots of people have had questions. Here is the 2nd set of responses to questions people have asked. Please feel free to submit more questions.
1. What steps did you take to make decisive action? (What was the mindset?)
Before I share the steps I took to take decisive action, I’d like to preface it with some observations from over 20 years of coaching people who wanted to make changes in their lives.
My philosophy about “change” is that people will keep doing what they always do – until they get sick of it and decide to do something else.
Quit Being Pitiful
Unless you’re really committed to wanting something different and ready to take decisive action in that direction, you’ll probably keep doing what you always do, probably complain about it, probably make excuses, possibly engage in some form of self-loathing and continue to tolerate being miserable.
It’s only when you’re ready to give up that pitiful pattern and give up being a victim of your own creation…that you can move forward.
At least that has been my own experience and observing some of those I’ve coached over the years.
Break the Pattern
To break the pattern, I’ve learned that the first step is to get clear about what you really want. It’s hard, if not impossible to take decisive action when you’re conflicted or unsure of yourself.
I’ve spent decades studying and practicing the “Law of attraction” and how to manifest what I wanted. I’ve shared this process with thousands of people through workshops and coaching with great success. And I have to say that approach served me well when I was focused on work, my home, my health, hobbies and friendships… but for some reason the process eluded me when it came to sustainable love, despite several clients achieving love in their own lives.
While I still believe in the law of attraction, as a long-time practitioner, I felt I needed something with more “oomph” or “juice.” It’s like any sport, hobby or musical practice when you want to improve. Some people refer to it as “sharpening the saw” when you stretch yourself in order to improve, gain new skills or knowledge. I think the same holds true for spiritual practices as well.
Basically, I set an intention to find a new spiritual practice to help me shift my mindset. Last year I found the work of a woman named Tosha Silver and her books Outrageous Openness and Change Me Prayers. They were just what I was looking for… even though I really resisted the title Change Me Prayers! I wasn’t sure I wanted to change that much!
I devoured her material, immersed myself in it, read and practiced it every day for several months. Three months later I met Jerry and the rest is history.
NOTE: I have learned over the years that what works for one person does not mean it’s right for everyone. What works for one person may not resonate with another. While I have a list of different authors or teachers or teachings that I provide to interested clients, each person needs to explore what is a good fit for them.
2. How did you have the courage to act on what you wanted?
For people who remember my Get Out of BED model, COURAGE is the dividing line between taking accountability and ownership for your thoughts, words and actions or blaming, making excuses or letting drama control your life… It doesn’t take courage to blame others or make excuses. But it does take courage to be accountable and take ownership for your choices.
So, for me, since I teach and coach this stuff, it’s put up or shut up…
And, again, for me, trust and faith have a lot to do with having courage. For decades, my mantra has been that “I am Divinely guided and protected.” That mantra has given me courage to move forward and take decisive action many times in my life, especially during times of uncertainty.
I think this is why Tosha Silver’s work resonated for me because it really “upped my game” in learning to trust and have faith.
3. Why are many people afraid of believing in themselves?
While I’m not a psychologist or have formal training in behavior analysis, I am a student of human behavior. With that in mind…
Here is my gut response:
- Too often, we have people around us – physically or messing with our heads – that create doubt and fear that we can accomplish or achieve what we want… and we listen to them, like they know what’s best for us. Keep in mind that most times, they’re expressing their fear, that has nothing to do with us.
- Sometimes we’re too afraid of what other people think… and live our lives based on what we think others want or will approve of. We have to stop doing that!
- Other times, we may have held on to our fears for so long that we eventually use them as excuses for not taking action. We haven’t created a sufficient new vision that is compelling enough for us to take action. It can also be the old “fear of success” thinking…
4. Why do people believe they don’t deserve hope?
As I reflect on this question, I think there is a difference between having hope and deserving hope.
I’m not qualified to explain why people may not feel that they “deserve” hope. But I have found ever since I started coaching clients, the number one thing they say they gained from the experience is that they have new-found hope.
I think people may lose hope when they become trapped in their thinking or experience a life-altering event and don’t see new possibilities for themselves. Through the coaching process, clients have found new ways of seeing a situation or created a new vision for their life or work that has brought new joy or excitement.
Jerry shared with me that he had lost hope after his wife’s death. He didn’t see how he could find joy or happiness again. As I wrote in a previous blog, we both took a chance on doing something outside our comfort zones which led to us meeting each other. And now we both have great hope for the future.
5. Once you identify givers and takers, does it get easier to disengage from them?
No.
6. Why is mindset so difficult?
My thoughts on this are reflected in answers to other questions.
Just remember:
- What you resist, persists.
- Your mindset is a matter of choice.
Marty Stanley, CSP, is a national author, speaker and coach. Her coaching clients range from individuals seeking personal or professional clarity and fulfillment to organizational clients seeking leadership and management guidance.
She’s worked with just about every profession including lawyers, bankers, engineers and plumbers, artisan bakers, jazz singers and zoo keepers.
What they all have in common is hope… and a desire to increase joy, sense of purpose and fulfillment.
If you’re looking for renewed hope and purpose, contact Marty today for a complimentary 15 minute consultation to discuss possibilities and the coaching process. Go to www.alteringoutcomes.com for more information. Call 816-695-5453 or email: martystanley@alteringoutcomes.com
